


Harry Frotter and the Fill-all-of-'er Stone.

by LewdLayton



Series: Harry Frotter [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Memes, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 16:48:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20067310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LewdLayton/pseuds/LewdLayton
Summary: Written by someone who liked the first few books/films but then got bored and doesn’t really remember much and knows fuck all about anything after Goblet. Phoenix was dull...This is just gonna be really dumb but when I realised that “Harry Frotter” returned no results anywhere, I was amazed and just had to do something.





	Harry Frotter and the Fill-all-of-'er Stone.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment to give me some constructive feedback :P

Harry Frotter was a total nerd. Absolute Billy no-mates. But he had a secret past that was actually pretty ballin’. Some gimp zapped ‘im as a child but that didn’t work because magic is completely unreliable, so instead of just givin’ ‘im a swift kick, Voldemort was just like “Fuck it, this couldn’t possibly come back to haunt me” so just wandered off.

So then Harry Frotter grew up and blah blah blah, he got sent a magical letter even though there’s no post on sundays, but that’s just if you use normal Royal Mail, Mr Dursley. Dumb fuck. Real men use that express courier shit. So yeah. He’s going to Hogwarts now, I guess. The setup stuff was really boring. You’re a wizard Harry.

He runs into a wall which isn’t strange because seemingly there’s no-one monitoring King’s Cross station. Not one person got seen just disappearing. Does no-one get trains from platform 9? But now he’s on a swanky steam train. Harry meets Hymani and Long Schweensly. He also decides to show off that he’s an absolute baller by buying everything from the trolley, which is a bit of a dick move. You’re never gonna eat all that and you’re gonna get really fat. Gimp.

Frotter and the gang all get put into Yiffyndor with all the other lion-bird furries. Pretty handy that they met exclusively people from the same house on the train ride. The gang also form beef with a pleb called Draco Mouthful who’s in house Snakeyboi. Best house. Harry should’ve just one-bombed the little shit though.

In another prime display of being a total alpha, Harry wrecks everyone at a sport he’s never heard of, and claims a role on the team that people normally get a year or two later, but he’s a poorly-written Mary Sue like that so, I guess he’s the snitch guy or whatever now.

There’s a trollllllllllllllllll, in the dungeon! Instead of letting others deal with the situation. Those dealt to handle monsters, create powerful potions and cast combat spells and shit, no. Just let three kids naruto run in and fix it for some reason. But anyway, he’s pretty fucking rad so he drops the wand because he can just unlock doors or something lame in the first year. He pulls out a Glock and just hoses that busta. The troll goes down like a sack of shit. It was pretty tubular.

Also this is fanfic so I guess Harry and Long rub dicks together because being straight ist verboten in fanfics.

There’s not really much plot. Snape is a meanie-pants poo-poo head which makes him a super-evil villan. He wanted to bang ur mom, Harry. Just accept that. Then Harry sneaks around at night a bunch because he’s a rebel but has basically no agenda so he’s wasting his time. But by fluke, he wanders into a completely unguarded room that houses a superweapon, because wizards don’t really do security.

Harry sits staring intensely at the mirror when Cumbledore wanders in. “It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest and most desperate desires of our hearts”. Harry waits for Cumbldore to leave before furiously jackin’ it to the image of Belle Delphine in the mirror. Harry was the thirstiest of gamer bois.

Later on, the gang think that Snape is such a total roadman that he’s going to steal the mirror or something and that it’s their duty to stop him, because Cumbledore’s not listening. But that’s a piece o’ piss. They sneak into wherever. The dungeons or something and are met with several trials.

The first is a big tripledoggo but again. Easy peasy, mate. Glock time. Harry busts out his piece and mag-dumps the doggo. “Git gd, scrub”.

The second challenge was just some erotic plants that strangle you and stuff. I’ve definitely seen enough hentai to know where this is going. The lads basically just enjoyed it and used it as an opportunity to rub dongs again. Hymani was pretty salty-about the whole deal because she’d been left out, and since all fanfic characters are gay and we haven’t really been introduced to another female character yet, she was pretty thirsty. 💦💦💦

Then they play floaty-ass hook-a-duck to catch a flying key. Which required a high-speed pursuit using his very plot-specific Mary Sue skills we saw earlier. But magic is for dumb-buts so they just pop to the pound shop and get bug nets and catch it that way.

And then they play chess like a bunch o’ fuckin’ nerds and for whatever reason, they listen to Long for a plan when you’d think Hymani would know more a bout chess.

Eventually, they get to a chamber with the mirror to confront snape only to meet Professor Sterile (american pronunciation required for the rhyme to work) from DADDY classes who’s fuckin’ rused the lot o’ them. Sick ploy. Total bamboozlement. 9/10. Sterile has Voldemort stuck to him and wants that sweet gamer grill bathwater but can’t get it.

The mirror is magic and shit so the jar of bathwater just appears in Harry’s hand because he saw Belle Delphine in the mirror. A fight ensues and then because of his mother’s love, he puts down the Glock is just like “BEGONE THOT” and then Sterile turns to ash which is awesome for plot and never happens again. Within a year of finding out magic is real, melting a man has no psychological impact on Harry either, so that’s pretty sweet.

Then out of nowhere, a grey shadow leaps of Sterile’s body and penetrates Harry which is indeterminately bad for some reason but has no lasting effect so I guess he just wanted to be a dick on the way out.

The end of year celebration happens and Yiffyndor wins and everyone seems really invested in that, which is possibly the most fantastical thing in the whole series. Why would everyone care so much about being the biggest nerds at school, and not so much about all the murder stuff?

The end....


End file.
